Tales From A Zombie Murdering Army
by Vault08
Summary: Random drabbles of each character, including some funny scenarios, and some serious ones.
1. The Greatest Gift Of All

Falling back onto the stage of the decaying and destroyed theatre, Nikolai turned, briefly taking a break from murdering the masses of the undead. Running back towards the mystery box, passing his teammates, he reloaded his AK-47. He was short on clips, only a couple left. But worse than that, he felt himself sobering up, and he knew that killing zombies while being drunk was what made it half the fun, otherwise he might go insane – like Richtofen.

Tagging the mystery box, Nikolai turned just in time as a maggot-ridden corpse lurched at him from the right. Springing back in surprise, he brought his AK up and fired half the clip into the mid-section of the zombie, completely tearing the upper half of the undead from the lower. Still, the determined flesh eater crawled forth.

"Die! You smell like rotten meat!" Nikolai shouted, bringing his knife up and jamming it into the skull of the zombie, until it fell over onto the floor, dead.

Turning, Nikolai blinked twice, staring at what the mystery box had presented. When he realized it was real, he dropped his gun and fell to his knees. He could not believe it. God, or that little demon girl, clearly had heard his cry for help, or simply realized what the best weapon was, for there, floating in the mystery box's yellow hue, was the most glorious sight Nikolai had ever seen...

Vodka.

A full bottle of Vodka.

Picking up the Vodka, he twisted the cap off and shouted, before downing a small bit. "Woo! Zhis is like Christmas in summer, or, er, however you Americans say!" Nikolai shouted in joy.

Off in the far distance, a distorted, demented laugh from Samantha was heard.


	2. A Battle Of Wits

Richtofen stared across the table at his opponent, the "all American war hero" Tank Dempsey. In between them was nothing more than a rotting table they had found in the back of the theatre, and a checkers board.

Richtofen chuckled at the state of the board game. He was winning by a mile, 3 kings and Dempsey had 2 pieces left, and they were boxed in.

Extending a gloved finger, Richtofen jumped one of his kings over Dempsey's red piece. Shooting the American a dirty smirk, he leaned back and relaxed. Victory was close.

"Dempsey, you have to think. Zhis is not a war game, zhis is a thinking one."

"Oh would you just shut the fuck up, German? I'm thinkin' here!" The American retorted in an aggressive tone, angered even more by his inevitable loss.

"Tsk, tsk. Your temper gets you nowhere, American." Richtofen said, continuing to tease Dempsey into the angered, aggressive response he was looking for.

"Fuck you!" Dempsey shouted, grabbing the checkers board and slinging it across the room.

Richtifen smiled wholeheartedly at Dempsey's actions, the American had fallen right into the palm of his hand. Exploiting the American's quick temper was something the great German doctor excelled at.

Pulling his M1911 pistol from his waistband and cocking it, Dempsey started toward the door.

"Let's go have some target practice on the fuckin' meat sacks, betcha I get more headshots than you, 'doctor'."

Oh, it was on now.


	3. Shoot First, Check For Power Later

Dempsey walks casually up to the Speed Cola vending machine. The zombies had all but backed off, and the team of four were currently taking a break from murdering the masses of the undead. Zombie killing was no easy task, and Tank was parched and needed a little pick-me-up.

Pressing the top button, he leaned back and folded his arms, waiting impatiently.

After a few more seconds, he tilted his head.

"Come on!" He shouted, kicking the machine, assuming something was malfunctioning inside.

"God damn it, don't make this hard!" Dempsey shouted at the machine, before growing. "Fine! You brought this on yourself!"

Quickly pulling his M1911 from his waistband, he cocked the weapon and fired several shots directly into the machine, shattering the plastic on the front and creating several holes.

Lowering his gun, breathing heavily, Dempsey turned to see Richtofen standing behind him shaking his head.

"You really are an idiot, Dempsey. Did it not occur to you zhat maybe, just maybe, you should PLUG THE DAMN MACHINE IN?"

Richtofen proceeded to move to the back of the Speed Cola machine, and produce the power cord, unplugged, to Dempsey.

"...that was my next guess." Dempsey said, reassuringly.


	4. The Magic Genie

Nikolai brought a lamp to the rest of the group from the depths of the rotting theatre. After rubbing it for a moment, a purple genie popped out and presented itself to the four.

"You each get one wish."

Nikolai chucked.

"Iz easy...lifetime supply of wodka!" He spouted, as if everyone who **didn't** want vodka was crazy.

"Done." The genie said, and several cases of vodka appeared before Nikolai. He jumped happily, before wasting no time and cracking open one of the cases.

"I wish for nothing of monetary or modern value. Only the greatest thing that can be considered truly worthwhile among my people; I wish only to possess more honor."

"Done."

The newly-englightened Takeo moved to the other side of the room to meditate.

"Hmm...I want a hot chick with large boobs, wearing a bikini! Oh and a shit-load of guns. And how about endless freakbags? I'm getting bored here!" Dempsey shouted.

The genie grunted.

"_One _wish, American."

"Damn it...okay, a hot chick with big boobs in a bikini that _has _a gun and knows how to kill freakbags!"

The genie sighs, but presents the woman to Dempsey. His eyes widen, before he flashes her a smile and moves to talk to her.

"Hmm, I vish for a new labrotory. One vith added security measures, along vith several test subjects, preferably alive. Don't forget an assortment of...'instruments' so I can practice my art...vatching the blood spurt from a severed finger...ah joy! Aha, I vill also need an assistant, preferably female, late '20s with auburn hair and a short skirt, and glasses, yes...she can help me extract the eyeballs, oh, za damn test subjects get so angry vhen I extract za eyeballs! Vell, at least, zhey get angry if zhey are still alive! Ahahaha! But yes, vhat was I...oh wait, you said one thing didn't you?" Richtofen said, turning to see his former teammates staring at him.

"Err...it vhas Dempshey's fault."


	5. The Impatient Doctor

Working tirelessly on the teleporter, trying to set it to travel anywhere but here, Richtofen had hardly gotten any sleep or eaten in the past few days. The zombies had backed off, and Dempsey called out "That one's fuckin' mine!" Whenever he saw one, leaving the other 3 rather unoccupied.

Taking off his hat, Richtofen wiped the sweat forming at the base of his hairline. He was hardly making any progress. He could set the year to teleport to, but had no idea what location they would be teleported to.

Suddenly, a hand clamped down on his shoulder, frightening the doctor.

"Agh!" He screamed, turning around to see Tank Dempsey smirking.

"Oh, sorry, 'doctor'. How's this shit coming, anyways?"

"Grrr...I...actually.." Richtofen said, an idea striking him. "I think ve are finished. Dempshey, get in, ve need to make sure it vorks."

"What? Fuck off, Richtofen!" Dempsey shouted.

Sighing at the fact that he would have to resort to violence, the doctor quickly brought his boot up, striking the American hard between the legs, dropping him to his knees.

"Vhy, oh vhy, do you make me do zhis, Dempshey?" He said, shoving Dempsey into the teleporter and entering several commands into the terminal inside, before pressing 'enter' and jumping out just as the teleporter fired up, carrying Dempsey to an unknown destination and time.

"Zhere! Finally, zhat stupid American is gone!" Richtofen shouted.

A drunken Nikolai stumbled into view.

"Eeey, Richtofen...how is time machine coming? I need to get more vodka, ya? Heh.." He said with slurred speech.

Richtofen's fists clenched.


	6. Training The Minion

"Zhat's it...come to your master!" Richtofen commanded the crawling zombie, whose mid-section and legs were blown off via a shotgun blast from a certain Tank Demspey, The other three had seemingly forgotten about the poor crawler, so Richtofen took it upon himself to train it!

The crawling, half-alive-but-undead zombie crawled toward Richtofen with impressive speed, determined to attack the German doctor. Of course, Richtofen didn't see it as this. Richtofen saw it as a minion obeying its master!

"Yes! You vill be ALL-POWERFUL!" Richtofen screamed as the crawler came closer to him.

"Aw shit, Richtofen, what the fuck are you doing to that crawler?" Dempsey said, entering the area Richtofen was in.

Richtofen growled.

"Silence, Dempshey. Can't you -see- I'm training a fierce warrior here?"

"He's going to attack you." Dempsey retorted.

"Vill not."

"Will too."

"Vill not."

"Will too."

"Vatch!"

The crawling zombie reached Richtofen and stopped for a moment, starting up at him.

"Now, minion, attack za evil American!" Richtofen shouted, pointing at Dempsey.

The crawling zombie screeched and lurched at Richtofen, hitting him twice and sending him into a downed state on the floor.

"Pahahahaha. What the fuck did I tell you?" Dempsey said, cracking up.

Suddenly a hell-hound spawned and hit Dempsey twice, sending him into a downed state as well.

"Karma is a bitch, eh, American?" Richtofen shouted.


	7. From A Master To His Student

"Sit, Dempsey." Takeo said, sitting cross-legged in the depths of Kino Der Toten, cross-legged and meditating.

Dempsey moved to sit near Takeo, crossing his legs as well and staring at the Japanese warrior.

"Close your eyes, American. Breathe. Focus. Concentrate."

Takeo closed his eyes and began humming, transitioning into a state of complete calmness.

"Alright...I'll try..." Dempsey said, closing his eyes and letting loose a hum.

After a moment, Takeo heard pages turning. Slowly, he opened one eye to see Dempsey flipping through the pages of a Playboy magazine, licking his lips and nodding his head in approval.

"Dempsey! Focus!"

Tank quickly tossed the magazine aside and nodded.

"Right, right. Calm. Peaceful. Relaxed."

Dempsey once again closed his eyes and began humming.

After a moment, a loud gunshot brought Takeo out of his calmed state. His eyes shot open to see a smoking gun in Dempsey's hand. Dempsey chuckled.

"Check it out, Taks. Bullseye, right in the fucking middle of Richtofen's portrait!"

Takeo grabbed the M1911 and threw it across the room, quickly losing patience with the American.

"Dempsey! Stop toying around, focus! We must get your temper under control!"

Dempsey sighed, and nodded.

"Alright, sorry, Takeo. I'll do it for real, this time."

Dempsey, for the third time, closed his eyes and began to hum.

Suddenly, Takeo heard whispering.

"Pssst. Nikolai! Let me see that flask of Vodka! No...just throw it up here! No, he's asleep, he won't hear!"

"Oh fuck this." Takeo shouted, standing up and exiting the room.

Dempsey stared at him for a moment before turning and shrugging.

"Guess he was having some bad dreams."


	8. Valentine's Day

"Eh, Valetine's Day? …..more like, wodka day!"

"Truly honorable is love, but not petty holidays."

"Valentine's day, I once got 5 chicks pregnant on Valetine's day, they used to call me Big Dempsey!"

"Ah, ze day of za Valentine's. I remember taking ze holiday too literally, and actually cutting the hearts out of the patients for gifts...ja!"

The crew of four decided they would celebrate Valentine's Day by each making another a gift. Dempsey was making one for Nikolai, Nikolai made Takeo's, Takeo made Richtofen's, and Richtofen made Dempsey's.

February 14th rolled around soon enough, and it was time to present them. Dempsey went first.

"Here you go, Nikolai, you fucking alcoholic prick." Dempsey said in an only half joking manner, handing Nikolaki his gift.

A heart-shaped flask filled with Vodka.

Nikolai looked up, "Dempsey, zhis is great gift!"

He opened it, and took a long drink, before spitting it out everywhere.

"Aagh, God damn! What is in there?"

"Vodka."

Nikolai turns and stares at Dempsey.

"With some of Richtofen's experiment liquids and some cat piss."

Nikolai throws the flask down and begins vomiting.

Takeo comes down the stairs, looking around. He sees Nikolai crouching on the floor.

"Russian."

Nikolai sighs deeply.

"Nikolai, where is my Valetine's Day gift?"

Nikolai stands and turns to face Takeo, before heaving and then vomiting all over Takeo.

"Oh, you sick Russian fuck!"

After an elongated shower, Takeo re-dresses and approaches Richtofen, who's busy working in a makeshift lab.

Richtofen is mumbling to himself about blood or violence when suddenly a flying sausage from across the room smacks him in the face.

"OW! Vhat the horse humping fuck is zhis?" He says, grabbing it and picking it up.

It's several sausages connected together to form a heart.

"Happy Valetine's Day, Doctor!" Takeo shouts.

"Vhat the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Damn German stereotypes, ze other nations are so inferior and foolish..."

Finally, Richtofen approaches Dempsey, with his hand behind his back.

"Where's my gift, Doctor?"

"Straight to za point, eh Dempsey? Vhell here's the thing, I got you something special."

Dempsey rubs his hands in anticipation.

"I got you.."

Suddenly Richtofen reveals a knife in his hand. Quickly he swipes it across Dempsey's throat, spilling the American's blood all over the floor. He then pulls out his M1911 pistol and shoots Dempsey directly in the head.

Picking up the knife again, he shoves it into Dempsey's chest and begins cutting.

2 HOURS LATER

Covered in blood and sweat, Richtofen smiles at the mangled corpse of Dempsey before him, reaching his hand in, he feels something. He twists his hand, hears a crack, then smiles as he retracts his hand, revealing Dempsey's heart.

"I got your heart, Dempsey! I...oh vhait, I was supposed to get you something, not ze other way around?"


	9. A Little Involvement

Dempsey, Richtofen, Takeo, and Nikolai all huddle around a pair of Xbox 360 consoles and two TV's, each playing Nazi Zombies in co op mode.

Tank and Richtofen have made it to round 55.

"Zhis is very impressive. Za game has a wonderous cast of characters, but za doctah is za best! I vonder who zhey based his likeness on?" Richtofen asked sarcastically.

Dempsey sighs as he maneuvers his character through the Kino Der Toten level.

"Doctor, don't take this the wrong way...but would you mind shutting the fuck up and playing the god damn game?" He shouted, momentarily shifting his gaze to the doctor. As he turned back, zombies downed his character.

"Cock sucker mother fucker!" Dempsey shouted, proceeding to jump up with excessive force, knocking his chair down. He threw his controller to the ground in rage, breaking it, before picking up the TV and throwing it with all his might into the wall, shattering it entirely.

"God damn, American, you need some fuckin' anger management...and some wodka!" Nikolai said, sipping from his flash as he sat beside Takeo.

Dempsey moves to watch from behind, seeing that they're on the first level, he chuckles.

"What's wrong, Taks, this game too hard?" Dempsey taunted.

An annoyed Takeo sighed.

"The Russian keeps drinking during important parts, he keep going down!"

Dempsey returns his glance to Richtofen, who's opened his laptop and is playing a game. Dempsey turns his head in confusion.

"That game looks familiar...what is it?"

"Modern Warfare 3." The doctor replied, before shooting another player on the multiplayer.

"Isn't that the same as the game we were just playing?"

"No, zhis is the newer one."

"Looks the same to me." The American said, folding his arms.

"I know, whoever came up with ze concept of re-releasing it every year is a fucking genius." Richtofen commented, giving a short laugh.

"I mean, who vould like zhis game, zhat is the same thing every year? Za only change has been za zombie mode.

"You know what would be even better?" Dempsey said, giving a small laugh. "If some guy went online and wrote stories about the characters in the zombie mode, placed them in the weirdest fucking situations, and added comedy to it. And other people read it!" Dempsey said, cracking up.

The doctor joined in. "Who za fuck would be entertained by that?"

All four characters turn to _you_, the reader.


End file.
